October 1, 2019

October 1st

Photo by Ashim D'Silva on Unsplash
As I write this, I’m sitting in the Bucharest airport. It’s 9:17pm in Romania…but my laptop still says it’s 1:17pm in America. And my body doesn’t quite know what time it is. I landed a little before 8pm, but my bus doesn’t leave until 6am. Soooo I’ll be here for awhile. I can usually sleep just fine in the airport, and there’s a guard constantly roaming the halls so I’m safe. (Adding that for my parents and other parental figures in my life!) I’ll prop my legs up on my suitcases and try to get as much sleep as possible. If all else fails, I have a 5 hour bus ride in the morning, and I usually sleep the majority of that ride since I can’t read or look at my phone much. Carsick problems. 

Now that we’ve established where I am, let’s review where I’ve been. As most of you know, I spent almost two months exactly in the States…spending time with family and friends, speaking at churches, meeting new people, attending a study abroad fair at a university, trying new things, etc. It was a whirlwind to say the least…an enjoyable and challenging whirlwind. 

Being at home in the States is always an interesting experience. But obviously, it’s my home. It will always be my home. There’s nothing like walking back into my bedroom for the first time and seeing old photos and knick knacks that I’ve never gotten around to packing. I love the familiarity of driving back to my house after going out for coffee with friends or running to the grocery store. I love watching Raegan and Maveric jump on my bed with Holden crawling down the hall two seconds later to see what his sister and brother are doing. I love sitting with my family at church in the same pew that we’ve sat in for as long as I can remember. I love getting ice cream with friends at everyone’s favorite local spot. I love taking road trips to visit close friends, and feeling like we picked up right where we left off. I love every moment that I get to spend with “my people”…even though the scheduling of those moments can be hectic and exhausting. 

However, the longer I live outside of the States, the more I start to feel like an outsider. People use street names in conversation, and I cannot, for the life of me, remember where that street is located. As I drive through town, I realize that places I once ate at or shopped at no longer exist. Names that were once familiar don’t ring a bell. I constantly feel like I have to readjust to this place that is supposed to be my home…but the reality is that I don’t live there anymore. My every day life takes place thousands of miles away, and it has for the past 4.5 years (which I still cannot believe). 

Maybe this makes sense to you…and maybe it doesn’t. It doesn’t always make sense to me either. I often get frustrated with myself for having such a hard time being back home, and I’m sure some of you have gotten frustrated with me as well ;) Don’t worry…I get it!

And now, well tomorrow afternoon, I get to enjoy readjusting back to my every day life in Romania, but I’ll be honest and tell you that I’m a little nervous. I feel like change is coming. I don’t know what kind of change(s). I don’t know when things will change. I don’t know why things will change. I just feel like God is taking me into a new season. It feels like a season of growth, which interestingly enough (or not at all) is my theme/word for 2019. You can go back and read about that here. 

I’ve actually been kind of frustrated with myself…and with God, if I’m being totally honest. I’ve been frustrated that I haven’t seen more growth in my life this year. I haven’t kept up with small habits that I’ve wanted to establish in my daily/weekly routine like reading my Bible, journaling, waking up early, being more intentional with my time, reading books instead of scrolling on Instagram, art journaling, eating less sugar, stepping outside of my comfort zone, diving deeper into my friendships, etc. You get the idea. I feel like I’ve failed in these areas and soooo many more…and that’s frustrating. It’s October 1, 2019 and I don’t feel like I’ve grown. 

It’d be really easy for me to want to throw my hands up and quit. To say that there’s only three more months left in 2019 so what’s the point of even trying. But again, I just have this feeling about this new season and I know, deep down, that I need to try again. This is my AWAKENING.

Morgan Harper Nichols

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